It's Not You, It's Me

This is post three of three in a series where I get a few things off my chest. Here are the other two: one, two. I actually drafted this post at the end of May and commented about it on this post of Elisabeth's! Cleaning house over here, which kind of just solidifies my point! 

I want to talk about commitment. (We've been together for a long time now, and I think it's time we take it to the next step😊! Just kidding!) 

I am an upholder, an enneagram one, an ISTJ and a maximizer. I often get analysis paralysis, and I would rather say no over and over than say yes and not follow through. People who flake, ghost, or are late are a mystery to me, and usually I have very little tolerance for them. There are obviously exceptions, such as one of my good friends, who has been a friend for years, and has a lot of great qualities and she would definitely help me hide a body and would be great at researching and planning how and where to do it. I know that if I am meeting her, I have to bring a book and a patient attitude, and know that there is a 94% chance that she will not be on time. However, she will probably show up with a full takeout dinner that she picked up for us, which is why she was late in the first place. Sigh. 

Reading and eating

Why am I talking about this? Well, I often feel guilt when I have committed to something and then I cannot fulfil my own expectations about completing said thing. A great example, and the one that made me start this rant, is blog reading. If I have subscribed to someone's blog, and have committed to reading and commenting, in my brain, I have to do it fully, as in read thoroughly, comment thoughtfully, check back for the response, and be fully invested. I don't skim; I don't just say "great post!" or "well said!" and move on. I always check back to see if they have responded before marking it off of my list. My other issue is that I hate reading things or doing things out of order. I cannot read today's post before I catch up on older ones! Yet some people post every day and I cannot read six other posts before I get to today's post! 

I know this is not the writer's problem; this is a me problem. The writer doesn't care (or probably even notice) if I comment out of order, or don't comment on every single post. But I care, and it makes me feel rude or guilty if I am away for a while and I have to mark everything as read. In my mind, I am screaming, "but I did NOT read them!" So they pile up, and I get behind, and then my motivation starts to wane and then I want to hide everything under the bed and tell my Mom that I "cleaned my room!" and go out to the beach for a swim. 

This is one of the reasons that I stopped writing or reading blogs for a period of time back in the late twenty-teens. I had a blog roll of multiple dozens of blogs, I felt like I just could not keep up with all of them in a quality that I wanted, plus I didn't feel like I had anything to say, so I quit for a while. I cannot do a half-assed job, so I did no job. All or none. Like I said above, I would rather just not commit, than say yes and not follow through. 

This is not just about blogging. I used to get the New Yorker magazine and I started to get behind because I could not read this month's magazine without first catching up on the four month's prior, in order, which of course did not happen, so once again, nothing happened. 

I also have this issue with Instagram. I rarely post because I want the posts to be in order and the last thing I posted was about Seville and so now I have to chronologically post about the last three months but I cannot do it all in one day so I need to space them out so that requires planning and....yes, it sounds crazy, but then I just decide to do nothing and another month passes by (*edited to add that I wrote this post almost three months ago and have actually posted three more times since then, but that also proves my point)!

So I want to apologize to you if I have not commented on all of your posts, and to let you know that I AM reading them, but I have decided that I can only dedicate a certain amount of time each day to commenting, as it requires the extra commitment of checking back to see if the person has responded etc. and I need to prioritize exercise and health and the pursuit of knowledge, and not get sucked into the black hole that is the internet, which is so, SO easy to do. 

However, I am still here, but I do want to find other ways to stay in touch that don't require sitting in front of a computer! I know I may have your email address but if I don't or if you  want to keep in touch, you can email me here with your number, or if you have my number already, feel free to send me a message to say hi! If you have WhatsApp, I am trying to lean more towards that, but I can also still use regular texting! Also if you want to have a chat, I would love that (as I can walk and talk at the same time, thankfully)! Hit me up! 📟(I was looking for a cell phone emoji, and I found this pager! Haha! Blast from the past!) 

What is your enneagram number and how does that affect you when doing tasks? Do you mark all as read and move on or do you feel like you have to actually read the item first? When you get busy, what are the first things that you let go of? 

Also, the Twenty Questions series is still going strong! Don't forget to fill out --> THE QUESTIONNAIRE!