8.30.2011

The Control Freak Within Me

Today I wrote a really nice 600 word memoir for this assignment. And then I chickened out. It was too personal. I couldn't bare myself on the air. I couldn't do it. I can tell you about stuff like what I am eating, wearing, photographing, reading or where I am sweating, but personal stuff? Yikes.

I have always been like that, a very private person. I don't like to tell people what I am doing, where I am going, who I am doing it with or how I am paying for it. I don't know why. I guess it is a control thing. I like to be the one who decides WHEN to dole out that info. Or IF. I don't want to have that choice taken away from me. I am possessive of my thoughts, my things and my actions.

Which is very hard, as the work I do at my job gets handed from person to person to person. Many eyes see it, many hands touch it. I get critiqued and told how to do X and when to do Y. Everybody's nose is in my business. An unlike my personal life, I can't very well tell them to back off. On one hand, it's not as if the work is "mine" and so I am not as possessive of it as I am of my private things. On the other hand, it gets annoying sometimes when the boss of your boss's boss asks you why you did something the way you did. Even more annoying is that the answer is probably that your boss or their boss told you to do it that way!

So in this job, I have to take a step back and breathe and think, "This is not MINE". It is the company's. It will probably be revised again and again by somebody else. It will probably be fact checked by somebody else. The project will probably be closed out by somebody else. I don't need to hoard it.

But it is still hard. I want to have some control. And I don't.

And for some reason, this week, that fact is really getting to me.

Have you ever had one of those weeks? Have you felt frustrated at work? Have you ever been a control freak?

Disclaimer: If any of my coworkers are reading this, don't worry. You can make me feel better by sending a 5 gallon tub of Dryers chocolate chip ice cream to me via FedEx.

3 comments:

  1. I am a total control freak. It is something I have really had to focus on and work on. not easy to do, but I know it's not always an attractive quality to have!

    Last week was super frustrating at work. I had to do a ton of editing on a very poorly written piece and it was just so frustrating.

    I do a decent amount of writing at work and my boss edits it. I have gotten good at taking his feedback and not taking it personally, but it hasn't been easy to get there. But I give him feedback, too, so it ebbs and flows.

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  2. I write for clients so I have to hand over control daily. It has gotten easier over the years but sometimes it's hard to give in when I really love what was written.

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  3. oh my goodness YES, and it's so hard to let go of being a control freak! Frustrating!!

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